feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
