Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
