never play flip cup with pint glasses
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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