I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
