I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
