my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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