My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
