Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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