So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
