I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
