i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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