Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
