Your face is a jimmy john
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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