Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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