Just cropdusted the office
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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