My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
