im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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