We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
