Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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