Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
