we made out on top of his cat.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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