we're blogging at a bar
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
