I wish you could order shots online.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
