Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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