we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
