just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
