Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
