So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
