Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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