That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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