Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
