So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
