There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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