You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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