so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
