She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
