Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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