Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
