I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
