If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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