i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
