I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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