JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
