if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're like the curious george of whores
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
