I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
