Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
