U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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