Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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