The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
