we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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